I've been a big proponent of 'letting go' for a while now. I've let go of my attachment to having someone else take care of me by stepping outside of the confines of a sad marriage and remembering who I am.
I've let go of the expectation that people will change for me or that I must change in order for them to be happy. Letting go has served me well in realizing that who I am has nothing at all to do with who others think that I am, and the idea that who I am is not enough, though still hanging on for dear life, has taken its first giant steps out the door.
I'm being asked to let go again. A dear and truly loved friend, sister and source of endless illumination is moving away, tomorrow. I love her with all of my heart and know that the Mesas of New Mexico will heal her body, mind and soul. Even so, my heart aches, because I feel like I wasted so many opportunities to grow with her, to talk and hang out, to drum, to swim and to laugh. My own shit got in the way, and now, like a beautiful bird who's going on to the paradise she's been creating, she will be gone, and the opportunity for loving interaction is gone, too.
I know that I'll see her in the next few months, but she will be changed and in ways that only she can truly know. Of course I will be changed as well, having realized after the fact that all she ever really wanted was for me to be true to who I am, as she is to her own beautiful spirit.
There are many lessons here. Living my truth means that I must absolutely stop making excuses because I am not secure enough in who I am to let myself be vulnerable. If anything, Liz has taught me to just stop thinking so hard and trust myself and my gifts, which is a difficult thing to do when I've been unconsciously trying to convince myself that my gifts aren't fit to give.
Also, a huge lesson....Live well, now. The universe is infinite, but our current physical life is not. Things change from moment to moment, day to day. If I miss even a single opportunity to tell someone how much they mean to me or if I pass up an opportunity to do something different simply because it requires me getting out of my comfort zone in order to begin it, I've missed a moment of magic. The repercussions of that missed opportunity will reverberate throughout the rest of my life as 'could have been so amazing'. 'Could have been' is for pussy's.
And trusting myself to know... not on a 'mental' level; that's bullshit...but on an intuitive level...trusting that my life is magical, and that I really do have so much wisdom and beauty, grace and power, and that it is my obligation to the world to stop being such a pansy ass and get my truth out there, before my time is up and the people who could use my gifts decide they are tired of waiting around for me to share them.
Finally, there is a lesson in letting go of the guilt that I put myself through because in my growth I was too stuck to my own gunk to realize what I was doing. No 'could have beens' should ever be strong enough to stop me in my tracks. Traveling to New Mexico in a few months to see my soul sister will be an amazing journey. Evolving our relationship from a distance will be an enlightening and beautiful direction for our love to take. What is, simply is. Love will reach her no matter where on the planet she finds herself.
3.6.08
New Moon
Today is the New Moon in Gemini, the natural home of my Moon sign. This lunar position is perfect for what is going on in my life right now. It heralds a new beginning, travel, communication and new perspectives. It is truly indicative of what is coming up for me tomorrow.
I leave bright and early in the morning on a shuttle headed for the airport, hop a bird to Seattle, and by dinner time I will be immersing myself in the lush Washington landscape as part of an intimate group of women, each of us ready to empower the other, discover our truths, share and connect, as well as isolate from the rest of the world in a spirit of communion with ourselves and with the lives that we inhabit. This amazing $1000 workshop, called Soltura, was given to me for only a hundred bucks, after scholarship, plus airfare. It is truly a special event for me, and it is happening at a time when my life is transitioning from the trauma and drama of the last few months, to a more even, exciting phase of rediscovering, or rather truly and intentionally discovering for the very first time, the beauty that lives and breathes within me, the soul that speaks to the world as a persona wrapped in human dreams and actions.
My workshop intensive will be four days of self reflection, and then it's off, alone, on another two day adventure as I carve out a slice of life just for me to roam the streets of the bustling, beautiful city of Seattle. I've never taken a journey quite like this one before. I'm due some personal reflection time. I can already tell that I will not be too anxious to return. Two days in downtown Seattle will only leave me begging for more.
Time has brought me to this place. I have created this opportunity to give me a space to heal from the last many years of sadness, the drama that preceded and immediately followed my separation from David, and the watchful sadness that keeps me hanging on to the possibility that I will somehow have to face those demons again.
This is my time. It begins now. The illumination comes not from the dark of the moon, but from the light of my soul.
I leave bright and early in the morning on a shuttle headed for the airport, hop a bird to Seattle, and by dinner time I will be immersing myself in the lush Washington landscape as part of an intimate group of women, each of us ready to empower the other, discover our truths, share and connect, as well as isolate from the rest of the world in a spirit of communion with ourselves and with the lives that we inhabit. This amazing $1000 workshop, called Soltura, was given to me for only a hundred bucks, after scholarship, plus airfare. It is truly a special event for me, and it is happening at a time when my life is transitioning from the trauma and drama of the last few months, to a more even, exciting phase of rediscovering, or rather truly and intentionally discovering for the very first time, the beauty that lives and breathes within me, the soul that speaks to the world as a persona wrapped in human dreams and actions.
My workshop intensive will be four days of self reflection, and then it's off, alone, on another two day adventure as I carve out a slice of life just for me to roam the streets of the bustling, beautiful city of Seattle. I've never taken a journey quite like this one before. I'm due some personal reflection time. I can already tell that I will not be too anxious to return. Two days in downtown Seattle will only leave me begging for more.
Time has brought me to this place. I have created this opportunity to give me a space to heal from the last many years of sadness, the drama that preceded and immediately followed my separation from David, and the watchful sadness that keeps me hanging on to the possibility that I will somehow have to face those demons again.
This is my time. It begins now. The illumination comes not from the dark of the moon, but from the light of my soul.
1.6.08
Passages
Two years. The passage of time has brought me here with you again, after two mad, crazy years. My heart is crying out in grief as I watch my aging cat, Nibbles, on her last wave through this life. She has been with me for 17 years. She is still with me now, but fading ever faster with the passing days.
I can't help but mourn and weep when I look at her, twitching, unable to stand without wobbling, haggard, bone thin. She has forsaken food, only minimal water, and she is sticking close by me. She has been with me through so many of my life's transformations. Both of my pregnancies, my entire marriage, countless awakenings on many levels. She's lived in seven different houses with me. She is my constant companion, my friend and my guardian, and to watch her slip away from this life is heart wrenching.
It brings up so many memories of times past, memories of my Grandma, and her death, memories of the way my life used to be, memories of the many times change and transition have reared their heads in service to a higher law, a different pulse, a new horizon. I've moved with the changes, and do so to this day, accepting with grace, as best I can, and a sense of wonder and awe at the stream of events that continually unfold around me, from within me, as I create and expand upon those creations.
It would be a blessing if she were to pass on through to her next stop before I leave town in 3 days. I'm going on a wonderful retreat/workshop in Seattle. It literally fell into my lap, as have countless other relationships, opportunities and incredible people and things over the last two years.
I didn't give up on my music. I'm fighting every day to get it out there. I've freed myself from my stagnant marriage, freed myself from the black waters of emotional lack and negativity. I've brought myself to this point, brought my daughters along, and I feel so damn good about it most of the time.
I'm empowered to create, to meet others, to grow GROW GROW and keep moving thought and vibration. On so many levels I feel as if I've rocketed forth, yet in others I feel even more vulnerable now that I have realized my true responsibilities to my self can only be met through me.
Still searching for meaning, and finding so much to suggest that meaning is what I give it. Whatever understandings and realizations that others have opened up for themselves serve me only to the extent that I allow them to move through me. And they do move through me like waves of breath and water, washing me free of doubt, leaving me cleansed of fear, and quenching my thirst for understanding and self truth.
I am crying out in sadness, yes, but also in release, in prayer and in humility that I have ended up here, able to appreciate the journey, with my cat, all these years.
I can't help but mourn and weep when I look at her, twitching, unable to stand without wobbling, haggard, bone thin. She has forsaken food, only minimal water, and she is sticking close by me. She has been with me through so many of my life's transformations. Both of my pregnancies, my entire marriage, countless awakenings on many levels. She's lived in seven different houses with me. She is my constant companion, my friend and my guardian, and to watch her slip away from this life is heart wrenching.
It brings up so many memories of times past, memories of my Grandma, and her death, memories of the way my life used to be, memories of the many times change and transition have reared their heads in service to a higher law, a different pulse, a new horizon. I've moved with the changes, and do so to this day, accepting with grace, as best I can, and a sense of wonder and awe at the stream of events that continually unfold around me, from within me, as I create and expand upon those creations.
It would be a blessing if she were to pass on through to her next stop before I leave town in 3 days. I'm going on a wonderful retreat/workshop in Seattle. It literally fell into my lap, as have countless other relationships, opportunities and incredible people and things over the last two years.
I didn't give up on my music. I'm fighting every day to get it out there. I've freed myself from my stagnant marriage, freed myself from the black waters of emotional lack and negativity. I've brought myself to this point, brought my daughters along, and I feel so damn good about it most of the time.
I'm empowered to create, to meet others, to grow GROW GROW and keep moving thought and vibration. On so many levels I feel as if I've rocketed forth, yet in others I feel even more vulnerable now that I have realized my true responsibilities to my self can only be met through me.
Still searching for meaning, and finding so much to suggest that meaning is what I give it. Whatever understandings and realizations that others have opened up for themselves serve me only to the extent that I allow them to move through me. And they do move through me like waves of breath and water, washing me free of doubt, leaving me cleansed of fear, and quenching my thirst for understanding and self truth.
I am crying out in sadness, yes, but also in release, in prayer and in humility that I have ended up here, able to appreciate the journey, with my cat, all these years.
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