Passages

Two years. The passage of time has brought me here with you again, after two mad, crazy years. My heart is crying out in grief as I watch my aging cat, Nibbles, on her last wave through this life. She has been with me for 17 years. She is still with me now, but fading ever faster with the passing days.

I can't help but mourn and weep when I look at her, twitching, unable to stand without wobbling, haggard, bone thin. She has forsaken food, only minimal water, and she is sticking close by me. She has been with me through so many of my life's transformations. Both of my pregnancies, my entire marriage, countless awakenings on many levels. She's lived in seven different houses with me. She is my constant companion, my friend and my guardian, and to watch her slip away from this life is heart wrenching.

It brings up so many memories of times past, memories of my Grandma, and her death, memories of the way my life used to be, memories of the many times change and transition have reared their heads in service to a higher law, a different pulse, a new horizon. I've moved with the changes, and do so to this day, accepting with grace, as best I can, and a sense of wonder and awe at the stream of events that continually unfold around me, from within me, as I create and expand upon those creations.

It would be a blessing if she were to pass on through to her next stop before I leave town in 3 days. I'm going on a wonderful retreat/workshop in Seattle. It literally fell into my lap, as have countless other relationships, opportunities and incredible people and things over the last two years.

I didn't give up on my music. I'm fighting every day to get it out there. I've freed myself from my stagnant marriage, freed myself from the black waters of emotional lack and negativity. I've brought myself to this point, brought my daughters along, and I feel so damn good about it most of the time.

I'm empowered to create, to meet others, to grow GROW GROW and keep moving thought and vibration. On so many levels I feel as if I've rocketed forth, yet in others I feel even more vulnerable now that I have realized my true responsibilities to my self can only be met through me.

Still searching for meaning, and finding so much to suggest that meaning is what I give it. Whatever understandings and realizations that others have opened up for themselves serve me only to the extent that I allow them to move through me. And they do move through me like waves of breath and water, washing me free of doubt, leaving me cleansed of fear, and quenching my thirst for understanding and self truth.

I am crying out in sadness, yes, but also in release, in prayer and in humility that I have ended up here, able to appreciate the journey, with my cat, all these years.